Built for Tragedy
by Humanized Serenity
Summary: Loki liked to believe that happiness did, once, fill his heart; it was a comforting thought, one that allowed him to hope that maybe, someday, he could be happy again… Even if just for a little while. Thoki, Oneshot, Angst, Complete!


**Warning: This story contains slash and… I guess incest? Depends if you like to think of Thor and Loki as brother or not. Oh, and Angst… Lots of Loki-Angst. This is my interpretation of Loki's character, and I love a sob story.**

**Disclaimer: **_**Thor, **_**and **_**The Avengers **_**do not belong to me. I am but a fan using these characters and Norse Mythology to exercise my writing and put my naughty imagination to use.**

Loki liked to believe that there was a time when he was happy. Many would say that it was a fair assumption to make, after all, we all must have experienced happiness at some point, right? But the Frost Giant who would bring forth Ragnarok could not be completely sure; with a destiny like that, who is to say he was ever meant to feel happiness? If he did, though, it would have been long ago, before his brain started to form memories. Still, he liked to believe that happiness did, once, fill his heart; it was a comforting thought, one that allowed him to hope that maybe, someday, he could be happy again… Even if just for a little while.

It was pathetic, really. Here he is, sitting in his cage, awaiting for the day Odin and Thor will finally decide to execute him for being exactly what everyone always expected him to be. What they made him into. If you break a person beyond repair by telling them, throughout their entire lives, that not only will they bring misfortune, but that they are responsible for chaos and dishonesty… Can you truly expect them to become anything but?

Of course, there was a time when Loki tried to fight it. He attempted to fight fate, destiny, all of it, as much as possible… Even before he knew what awaited him he tried to fight it. As a child he remembered watching from a distance as Thor and Balder, Odin's first son and Thor's half-brother, sparred. They both would have smiles on their faces, Balder would teach Thor new fighting techniques and ruffle his hair when the younger god managed to do something quite impressive. Loki would watch quietly, holding onto whatever magic book he had chosen to read that day, wondering why he could not be like the two.

At times Thor would notice him watching them and invite him to play along. Loki would smile, thinking that maybe he would finally be accepted by his fellow Asgardian, only to be disappointed when Balder left as soon as Loki joined them. He would always come up with an excuse, saying something about being needed by Odin's side or having some lessons or training. Thor never gave it a second thought, yet Loki knew that Balder was leaving because of him. He would always give him a strange look before departing, making Loki wonder what he did wrong. Why didn't Balder love him like he loved Thor? Had he done something wrong? Maybe it was because he preferred the usage of tricks and cunningness over brute force. Odin often said that Loki's methods, although effective, were disgraceful. Maybe Balder shared his father's opinion? Did that mean that Loki was also a disgrace?

When that thought finally came to his mind, he attempted to change it. He started by asking Thor to teach him to fight without magic. The golden god never understood, claiming that Loki's magical powers were gave him an incredible advantage over his opponent, but Loki would not hear it. Maybe if he learned how to fight like Thor, Balder would start to like him as well. Maybe if Loki won a match against Thor it would be _his _hair that his older brother would ruffle, not Thor's.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Now that Loki was older, he knew why Balder disliked him even before Ragnarok was prophesized. Thor had been too young to remember Odin coming back from war with a Frost Giant baby… Balder, on the hand, was already able to walk, talk, and understand that Frost Giants were monsters meant to be killed. No doubt he had grown up, like all other children in Asgard, dreaming of slaying one of Loki's kin. How confusing it must have been for him; taught to hate Frost Giants, taught that they all must be killed, taught that they were the enemy, yet having to call one of them _brother_. It was a lost cause from the beginning. No matter what Loki did, he would never be able to win Balder's heart.

But it wasn't him, the man whom Loki believed to be his half-brother. Odin himself, the one who Loki called father for so many centuries, gave him the cold treatment; albeit he probably never noticed. No one did. Odin would always praise Thor with enthusiasm, beam with pride whenever his heir came into the room. Yet every achievement Loki accomplished was met with a mix of fake interest and doubt. Odin tried to feign enthusiasm in Loki's magic, his intelligence, and his skillfulness with language; yet every time Loki could see through the facade. The older god's mind would only be half there, and if Thor entered the room, the attention quickly switched to the golden boy.

Again, Loki tried to fight it. He attempted to change his ways, to be more like Thor and Balder. He wanted father to, at least once, look at him with half as much pride and joy as he did his older sons. He just wanted to be loved like everyone else… Just wanted to be loved like Thor.

And yet, with all the resentment and envy he felt towards the one he believed to be his older brother, Loki could not help but be thankful for his existence. Out of all the people in Asgard, Thor was the only one who ever truly saw him. He was the one who would make Loki feel special, make Loki believe he did not need to change who he was. Thor accepted Loki without a shadow of a doubt. He was always by his side, always trying to make sure his younger brother was not lonely.

For so long Thor was his sun… His only source of light; the only thing that kept him protected from the cold. Loki wasn't happy, for he still craved the love affection from Odin and Balder, but Thor's presence made it all somewhat bearable. There were days Loki would wake up in Thor's bed, after sneaking into his chambers in the middle of the night, and the young god would believe that, if at least Thor cared for him, that should be enough.

So yes, Loki resented Thor… But he also loved him. He loved him above everything else. If Thor needed it, Loki would give up his life without a second thought. There was nothing Loki would not do for his beloved brother. Thor, the one who made him feel wanted; the one who made him feel needed; the one who gave him even a bit of light and warmth when rest of Asgard regarded him with cold indifference.

They say the opposite of love is hate… Loki knew better. Nothing hurt more than cold indifference.

And Loki was tired of it. It hurt, it hurt so much! Even with Thor there, their father still ignored him. Balder still gave him that look, with just a hint of disgust. Loki's resentment started to turn inwards. Why resent Thor, when he had done nothing wrong? Loki was the one who was disgusting! Loki was the disgrace! Loki was the one who deserved to be hated!

And hate he did. Loki started to hate himself with a passion. And that hate only grew once he realized that his feelings for his brother, that the love he bore for Thor, were far from brotherly.

He still remembered waking up at night after what should have been a pleasurable dream. He remembered hugging his knees and crying silently. He remembered turning to his pillow and screaming with all of his might. Why, oh why?! Why had this happened to him? Didn't he suffer enough? Wasn't his family's coldness towards him torture enough? Why had he begun to feel this way about the only person who ever truly cared for him? The only person who ever showed him any kindness and love? Why did he have to be so sick and disgusting? Why couldn't he just love Thor as a brother? Why, oh, why…

He asked himself that often. The two brothers would walk around, and Loki would be battling an internal war. He loved Thor, loved him more than anyone could ever hope to imagine… Yet he didn't want to love him that way. He longed to have Thor's now strong arms around his thin frame, yet hated himself for wishing it so. He wanted Thor to kiss him and claim him as his, and at the same time wished such feelings would just vanish.

Loki also often wondered what Thor would think if he ever found out the truth about his feelings. Would he also be disgusted? Would he also hate him? Would he become like Balder and Odin? Loki could not bear the thought. He needed Thor… He needed Thor more than anything else.

Yet Thor didn't need him… not really. Never actually did. As his training became more and more rigorous, Thor and Loki started to spend more time apart. And soon Thor made new friends. They would always be by Thor's side, The Warriors Three and Sif. Thor liked to call them "_Our friends",_ yet Loki knew better. He knew that the four Asgardians only tolerated Loki because he was Thor's little brother. He saw the way they looked at him, just like everyone else. They disliked him almost as much as Loki disliked them for taking Thor away from him.

Because that's what they did. Thor now spent more time with them than with him. When the five were together, Loki would always be the odd one out. It was like the sparring sessions with Balder all over again. It became too much at times, and Loki often had to leave, unable to handle the situation properly. His time with Thor was supposed to be sacred! It was supposed to be only time he would ever come close to feeling happy, and now they were taking that away from him!

That's when he started to lash out. Elaborate tricks and lies were his way of dealing with the situation. Not everyone could turn into a giant green monster, but Loki liked to believe his methods were better; they were certainly more entertaining. His sadness had turned to self-hate, and that hate had turned to anger. The only one who could appease him was Thor, yet the slightly older god hardly gave him much attention anymore. The anger grew and grew inside of him, bubbling like the hot lava of a volcano. He was ready to explode at any minute, yet his title as Prince required him to maintain his composure.

Ironically, it was his title as the God of Mischief, Lies, and Chaos that helped him deal with it all. Tricks, mischief, lies, chaos… He could do whatever he wanted and no one would suspect a thing. Whenever he bore witness Odin's blatant favoritism, or Balder's disgusted look, or when Thor chose to spend his free time with his new _friends_ instead of him… Or when he had another one of those dreams… He could just release the anger and the hate and the frustration in his games and no one would blink an eye. That's what he was supposed to be doing anyways. Who would ever suspect Loki's true intentions?

And they had more perks then just releasing those pent up emotions. Odin finally started to notice him…! Sure, it was negative attention, but it was better than the indifference from before. That's how Loki knew hate was better than indifference. Finally, for the first time in his life, Odin saw him! He saw what his magic could do, what Loki was capable of!

But things crashed just as fast. While sneaking through the palace, thinking of what to do for his next trick, Loki overheard a meeting between Odin, Balder, Heimdall, and the Nornir. They were discussing Ragnarok, the end of times, as well as its bringer… Loki.

It shocked him. Although his heritage had not been mentioned, his destiny was all they talked about. Loki was meant to kill Balder, the most beloved of all gods, and with that bring death and destruction. Oh, how ironic it all was! As if Loki wasn't hated enough already! Now he knew that he would be the one to kill the beloved, just, and kind Balder! Who would ever love someone like that? Someone who took away the god that was known only for his benevolence?

Not even Thor could love someone with such a despicable destiny.

But the meeting didn't stop there. Odin and Balder both wished to stop this from ever happening. Odin could not bear to lose a son, and while Balder seemed slightly distressed by the idea of dying, he seemed more concerned about Ragnarok. They wanted, no, _needed _to know how to stop it. Yet the Nornir said that not even the All Father could prevent that which had already been decided.

That's when Balder suggested killing Loki. Certainly, if there was no Loki, there could be no Ragnarok. It was the best solution… But Odin would not hear of it. If it had been in any other situation, Loki would have been touched that his father cared enough about him to want him alive. For centuries he questioned if Thor would be the only one to mourn his death. Yet the conversation was too shocking, too terrifying, and Loki could not bring himself to care for his father's merciful decision.

He lived for decades with that knowledge. He avoided Balder as much as possible, for whenever they passed each other, Loki found himself in the receiving end of hateful glares. Not that he could ever blame Balder for that, but it still hurt. Part of him still hoped that someday Balder would come to love him as a brother; not as much as he loved Thor, for that would be impossible… But maybe just a little… Yet that meeting killed that dream of his.

Loki also tried to rationalize that if he didn't see Balder, he could not kill him, even if by accident. By avoiding Balder, Loki could stop Ragnarok from ever coming true. It was as simple as that, right?

It was also then that Loki realized why he had never, and could never be, truly happy. He was a disgusting being! He was the one who would bring the destruction of everything! How could such vile creature ever hope to be happy?

And with that thought in mind, Loki often considered ending his own life. Whenever Thor took him to battle, claiming Loki's magic was a powerful asset to their side, Loki considered allowing the enemy to kill him. Maybe he could enchant a spear and make it land right on his cold heart. Maybe instead of dodging an attack, Loki should welcome it with open arms. What was the use of keep on living anyway? He would never be happy, never experience true joy. Thor would never return his feelings, and he seemed to even be slowly forgetting about him. His death would stop Ragnarok, and everyone in Asgard could live in peace, without fearing the doom he was about to bring… But most importantly, his pain would finally stop.

Yet every time Thor seemed to be there to save him. It frustrated him to no end. He _wanted _to die! He _needed _to die! Why couldn't Thor just let him be?! He did a good job of ignoring him any other time, why not when the enemy was about to cut his head off? And why did that make his heart beat faster, and his brain conjure the smallest bit of hope?

No, he could never forget his purpose. Balder and Ragnarok… Hate for the rest of eternity… He needed to end it, and he needed to do it now! Thor could not be in the way.

And as if fate and destiny didn't hate him enough, in amidst of his truly genius suicidal plan, the plan that would bring his execution and the end of Ragnarok, he discovered his true heritage. Oh, how cruelly ironic that he, the most hated god, should also be the most hated and vile creature in all of the nine realms! A Frost Giant! Him! How fitting! Loki was no more than a monster whose stories were told to scare little children. He remembered in childhood how Thor would proudly announce his hatred towards the Frost Giant; claim it as his destiny to destroy all of their kin. How fitting indeed…

But that could not stop his plan. Thor was sent to Midgard, and Loki took the throne. It wouldn't take long for the god he loved to find Mjolnir and return to Asgard. Then Odin would awake, and Loki would finally be put to death.

What Loki didn't count on was Thor falling in love. Sure, he knew his brother had bedded many women before. It hurt seeing him with them, but that was nothing compared with seeing Thor with that woman from Midgard. Loki saw Thor look at her with the same emotion he himself gave the golden god. He always knew that Thor could never be his, but to witness it happening, to witness Thor being taken away from him like that… As if life wasn't painful enough!

No, losing Thor like that was just too much. He thought the Warriors Three and Sif had taken Thor away from him, but it was _that_ woman, Jane, who truly separated the two. Loki had finally lost the one person who ever showed him any kindness, any love… Loki had lost Thor forever.

And so, when he fell from the bridge, he thought himself blessed. Now he needed not to be executed, and as long as he did not return to Asgard, he could not kill Balder and bring forth Ragnarok. But the pain of losing Thor was still too much to bear. Loki wept for weeks, crying in pure agony. He needed not do be executed, yet death would be a welcome relief! The cold and darkness was everywhere now, consuming his soul with unthinkable ease… And this time Thor wasn't there to make it bearable.

Was this truly it? Was Loki doomed to suffer for the rest of his existence? Would no one ever love him? No… This couldn't be it. There had to be another way.

Midgard was his way… Or so he thought. Thor and Balder were both princes and loved for it. Odin was the most powerful god in Asgard, and everyone loved him. If maybe… Just maybe, he found his own realm to rule, maybe he could finally be loved! If he became King, his subjects would have to love him, right? It had to be so!

But Thor came back and ruined everything. It was like rubbing salt in the still fresh wound. Oh, how he wanted to hug his brother and cry in his arms. How he wanted to go back to their childhood, when it was just the two of them! Yet at the same time he felt anger and hate and the resentment that never really died. Thor, always the favorite. Thor, always the precious son…! Thor, who could love anyone and everyone but him!

Then again, who would ever be able to love a filthy Frost Giant? A Frost Giant who was prophesized to bring the End of Days?

He had Thor's attention, though. That gave him some satisfaction. Thor was ignoring Asgard and that woman in favor of him! The times he spent misbehaving came back to his mind. If acting out got Odin's attention, why not Thor's? He could never have him as lover, but maybe if Loki became his enemy, Thor would have no other choice but to seek him out. They would be forever playing a game of cat-and-mouse, and Loki would have at least some attention from his beloved.

But once again, he didn't count on Thor making _friends_. The Avengers, they called themselves. Midgardians with special powers… Truly pathetic. But Thor liked them. Thor joined forces with them. Thor once again chose his _friends_ over Loki, even with Loki trying with all his might to keep Thor's eyes on _him alone! _

It was useless… All for naught. In the end Loki was captured and taken back to the place he dreaded returning. During his trial he glanced at Balder, who did nothing to hide his hate and disgust. Maybe this is how Ragnarok was supposed to start?

He was put into a cell, and now here he lays… Day and night, all alone… The cold and dark, forever his constant companions. The pain that never left… The sorrow that was always there… Never once did Thor visit him…

Loki never experienced happiness. He was never meant to experience it while alive. But perhaps Death could give him that with Life never could…

Peace.

**So I finally got this done! The idea has been floating in my head for a while, and I finally told myself to sit down and write it out! I find Loki an incredibly fascinating character! The Loki from Norse Mythology already had my interest, and when I saw the Marvel movies… God, my heart just broke for him! He was painted as villain, yet there were times when we could see how broken he actually was! This is my interpretation of his character… I think Loki is someone who never really had a chance, which is incredibly sad… And what frustrates me to no end is that Thor never seems to realize it! He sees his brother acting out and causing destruction and death, but doesn't see how much Loki himself is hurting… I wanted to include Thor coming in and finally realizing what Loki really feels, but it didn't fit with the story… So yeah… Sorry. **


End file.
